Blessed is Our Homeland:

Coming back for nothing

i. delusions and hysteria

it was the first time I had a hefty share of angry curses. [fortunately the sizzling hot gaddamnits weren’t directed to me] what is unusual is that you hear the curses in the vernacular, that crisp intonation, that particular fluid syllabic flow. even more unusual is that the words come rushing in along the manila streetways. but what is utterly annoying is that it’s your driver with his natural amplifier, dishing out “yudiputa””bulininanya” like a polemic in a catatonic intellectual spree.

the overflowing dose of human anger ticked when mama mentioned the word tabaco to this unassuming grey-haired driver manning the wheels along mindanao av. from queries on geographical location and cultural background, manong starts asking questions ala political campaign manager.

“iboboto ninyo pa ba si lagman?p*tang inang lagman na iyan. yung mga tao sa albay namamatay na tapos nasa tv siya nakikipagmurahan para sa cha-cha, p*tang ina”

well of course the author has no right to be even offended. in the first place, mr.lagman’s political maneuvers are really deserving of a p*tang ina. but the manner by which manong showed his disgust was amusing, or rather ironic because we were stuck in a chaotic traffic scenario and there he was spreading his shoulders in what seemed like a super-magnified display of utter hatred to philippine politics. noticing such fury, mama responds with a soft affirmation, agreeing with the intensity of mr.lagman’s “kaput*ngina-ness”. as if it was an absolute go signal for him, manong erupts again in an over the top vocal bravura:

“gag*ng lagman na iyan P*tang ina siya. uuwi kami ng albay para sabihin sa mga kabaranggay namin na huwag na botohin iyang p*tang ina na yan! P*tang ina niya!”

I was appalled, amused and dizzy. apparently manong was dissatisfied, plus some bonus fuming wrath here and there. sitting inside the taxi, I couldn’t help wondering on what manong’s basis was on such display of political disgust. three days after Reming struck, my family and I headed off to manila to escape the corrupting milieu of albay. it was more difficult for my part to survive because I had mental instabilities[self-diagnosis!hehe]. there was a time when we thought things might stay as horrendous as they were for months, because little aid was pouring in.

of course we were lucky enough to spare the house and its decent state, much luckier because we were all alive and little damages had been done to the house. but it’s just not right living contentedly like the world’s luckiest family, when everyone around you is living like hell. that is the truth that sparked all the hatred in the province, the fact that everyone saw that we were suffering, but no one took a jolt of idealism and compassion to actually remedy the pain quick enough for sustenance. while my fellow albaynons wallowed in such pig-like misery mr.lagman shrugged the looming scenario before him, set it into second priority, then kept blabbering about his cha-cha delusions. it’s just not right leaving your people to rot especially if they were counting on you. it’s pathetic. go manong! kaya mo ‘yan, murahin mo nang murahin!

ii. an over-assuming self-psychotheraphy

i’m thinking of a future in clinical psychiatry, donning the immaculate white suit, then asking people “how do you feel about that?”---with a fee. it’s a visually boring job, who would want staring at neurotics all day. but the excitement comes because you are dealing with something as complex as the human emotion.blablablah.

I made a deal with my non-existent conscience. it’s u.p or nothing. but of course the deal is devoid of logic and sense. if ever I fail u.p, I have to endure studying somewhere else that I may never, ever like. I have said it before, that my sights are only focused on entering the premier state university. and failure to do such would spell my educational nightmares. I have noticed that it has been becoming too unhealthy on my part to self-pressure my life. I call it prioritizing my goals, and sometimes, planning ahead. but viewed externally, it’s like a gradual suicide. my point is, I am obsessively wanting to get admitted, but my self-doubts and cynicism are corrupting whatever hope I have. I know that somehow I can get through these things, but I feel something not so good, that I might fail. it bugs me everyday, especially now that my patience is dwindling hastily through the days. what am I going to do if I fail intarmed?or up diliman?dang it.

iii. heaven’s compensation

before I was about to leave manila, I went through some blogs flashed upon clicking “upcat results” on google. some were nice, others were too big to be loaded on time by my pathetic dial-up connection.

I saw it in this tabulas blog, and I felt stupid because I was the last one to even know. DLSUCET results were out, she said, and she was brave enough to post her status message on her blog. but unfortunately I was not yet able to check my results since I didn’t know my case number and my entrance test permit was left in albay. so when I got home yesterday, I immediately checked the site.

I passed. but stupid since the status did not read: “accepted for first choice” which sounds a lot more better than “Qualified ALREADY as a regular/paying student. Results of the Scholarship and Financial Assistance will be released on early February 2007.” the status made me feel so poor. so what if I had to ask for financial assistance. DLSU rates are ridiculously high for a university with not so much neurons. and I don’t want my family to spend so much for me to study with rich rags and yellow mongols. in the first place, studying in DLSU is as dim as GMA being the love child of Erap and Cory aquino. it’s just not possible. not because I’m not so rich and ‘uncomfortably elitista’ nor because I have zero chance of getting a scholarship[hey, I think I can!], but because I damn don’t want to. so it’s like bidding bye-bye to my corporate lawyer dreams since BA in Economics and BS in Accountancy had gone down the drain. I think.

iv. blue eagle strikes back

I loved the acet. it was long, arduous, and, long. in fact I had to sleep 10 hours after the test because I was exhausted by the time I finished the last question. even worse was the fact that I had to skip breakfast because the testing site was far. so imagine a famished neurotic having his future sabotaged by an empty vengeful stomach. not good. but like what I have said, I loved the acet.

I was checking my digicam pics when my classmate texted. she said “congratz..pasado ka sa acet..” honestly I was not jolted out, being the world’s greatest self-pessimist, I immediately thought that maybe she got it all wrong since I only learned about my dlsucet results, not acet.

I replied: baka dslucet. she texted back:”acet! granted 100% scholarship ka raw!engot.”

I had to call people to confirm the text. true enough, I passed. the results had been posted on the blue eagle gym, and a friend’s cousin looked for my name. and there I was,err, passing. the news of obtaining the 100% scholarship was the better herald. I was gunning for it since it was really necessary for my education. hey, how come i’m beginning to sound so poor now. I don’t want to go to ateneo, honestly. it’s a great school, but I’m positive it’s not for me. one friend said admu is fine, but the social life is stiff and barren, especially in the case of us coming from provincial public schools[but very competitive] who are about to mingle with urban rodents who have gnawed at every urban thing. I hate socialites, to simply put it. I hate people who have to show to everyone how good they are, or how rich they are or how much they are better at anything. my friend said that sometimes that is the case in admu. but I am not totally repelled by such possibility, I am uncertain because I really want u.p. even if I fail the intarmed program or my first choice or my first choice for campus. it’s just a case of knowing what you want. but no one knows, the situation might force me to divert from my pre-conceived plans.

so two down, one to go. I passed the green dream with a small question mark[the scholarship], and fortunately I got through the acet, plus a 100% scholarship for bs chem/materials science and engineering. I am very anxious now.

it’s only about three months before the school year finally ends. I am still waiting for results from two universities. the university of the philippines, and bicol university. I don’t know what might happen, I might fail. I don’t even know how I could handle going through a highly congested schedule while at the same time waiting for news that could make or break me. but honestly I am somehow satisfied by my dlsucet and acet results, but I don’t think it’s right to rest on these victories if I am not still so certain about other accomplishments.

I really just have to wait.