Green, Green, Green!:

The Monochromatic Quasi-Trilogy

welcome to this chronologically derailed blog with a a dimensionally-deprived 16 year-old as the sole, suffering author.

I have been absent for quite some time now, blame it to unavoidable re-adjustments, endless examinations and pathetic, stinking wi-fi connections. it makes me wonder how come I suddenly have that spark of thought to hit the keyboard and do some writing, even if most of the time I feel idle while staring at the mirror [I did not say that]. the last few weeks of january are worth rekindling so I won’t mess up the chance to blabber about things. *nostalgia* I remember, my brother said that blogs are for insecure people who have to tell everyone what he/ she feels.

but I think blogs are for people with uncontained desires for truthful expression. but honestly, this blog is a way for me to actually remember whatever happened in my life, of course, it’s also a venue for some juicy, sensible neurotic expression. what the hell am I saying, introductions are for amateurs!

Part 1: I See Green

January 22, 2007

fast forward now and let me tell you what this day meant: I learned about my upcat results.

I was in the principal’s office doing our schoolpaper’s layout. lorenz was printing the last few pages while I was busy gluing together the bond papers to form a decent [and messy] 18’x12’ sheet crap. suddenly my phone rang and I was obliged to answer the call, it was kuya aj.

he began by telling me a hoarse congratulation as I tried focusing on cutting the untidy edges. ‘what?’ I asked in all irritation. ‘you passed, psychology, congrats!’ he answered back, I could here all the buzzes and the noise emanating from solidor hall. ‘really? did I pass intarmed?’

‘no. I checked it. it’s okay, psych is a good course.’

so now I have a memory lapse and all I could remember is the engine cough as the school van ran through the ghastly gravels of barangay padang. when I heard those words I immediately felt the tingling of denial, ‘perhaps my brother was wrong’ I remember whispering to myself. I may have had asked him to go over the results again four times, each of the attempt only reaffirmed the herald from hell’s deepest pit.

I admit that the news wrecked my day for about thirty minutes. when I hung up the phone I couldn’t talk to anyone and I threw my elmer’s glue right on the wall prompting my adviser to stare at me surprised and appalled. I don’t care if the glue spilled on the office walls of the highest administrator of our school, what I was only concerned about during that time was my failure. in the simplest terms, I failed intarmed. and the sentence resonated in my skull for quite a time, and it made me sink my face on my arms as I tried to piece together the past 100 seconds of the phone conversation.

I was worried on where I would go from that point. right after upcat, I was already browsing though broadsheets looking for the perfect condominiums where I could stay for the rest of the program’s 7-year duration. I had already planned on my possible daily schedules, my study schedules, and a much improved framework for a productive social life. but no, it just won’t be.

after thirty minutes or so, I picked up my elmer’s glue from the carpet below. our adviser was still staring at me but she was obviously hesitant to ask me. I guess it’s not meant to be.

January 23, 2007

when I slept yesterday, I thought of how much time I wasted on working out my Plan A while at the same time, denying the truth that I must have a Plan B. the upcat was really quite rough for me. an hour before I actually sat inside the testing center, I was already palpitating, sweating profusely and hyperventilating[the last part is a lie]. right after the heavy breakfast, whatever I had learned in msa seemed to be digested along with the starch and the polypeptide bonds and the like. so when everything ended, I was unsure. and yet through it all I was surprisingly optimistic. I knew I could make it. but it’s simply fatal that I failed to.

they say sometimes one must fail to realize the things we have neglected to care for due to our blind hunger for victory. I have neglected my law ambitions, because I was looking at entering the program all the time, and it made me act deaf to my long-forged ambition-to be a lawyer. when people learned about the imed tragedy, they told me it might have meant something, that is, to pursue a possible career in law. and yet the advices seemed to be so elusive for my cognitive powers, I was still drifting in regrets.

what is bad is that I never considered any alternatives. the plan was: if I get a full scholarship at admu [which I did], and if I pass imed[which I didn’t], pure logic will lead me to accept the intarmed offer. and since the presupposed idea didn’t work out, I am here confused, unsure, and uncertain. pathetic turn of events.

February 2, 2007

my admu letter arrived today. I went to the school to get the official list of upcat takers from the school, and fatally enough, mrs.orante handed me my letter.

inside were the congratulations slip[or something like that], the terms and conditions of the scholarship, some bulletins and all the blue crap. instead of actually cheering me up, the letter made me cringe in annoyance. not that I’m too stupid to actually recognize what I was supposed to feel, it just made my brain flush pale in all uncertainty. I wasn’t planning, I wasn’t thinking, I didn’t know where I was going. there I was holding the scholarship agreement in all organic ink glory, and yet, I simply didn’t have any good idea.

earlier that day, I was having conversations with my accounting teacher and my senior club advisers. they pushed me to mull over where I was going to enrol at. I had been playing hide and seek with the decision-making thing because it was really hard, and yet during the whole conversation they bombarded me with their insights and opinions that drowned me in all enigma.

Ateneo de Manila University- full tuition and fees scholarship-good. environment-not my type. It’s simply about being ‘light in the Lord’-absolutely bad. the deal is, I like admu, I like the education, I somehow like the milieu. what is bad is my course- chemistry with materials science and engineering, if ever I enter the university, I am dead sure that I will shift my course to management engineering which seems to be a good path towards being a corporate laywer.

all in all, the ateneo education is good, especially the acceptance letter since it had some hefty freebies inside. the bad thing: be in ateneo and you’re branded as one of the inferiors. honestly, being in up is being with the best. I don’t want to be in a university playing second best to a campus just one jeep ride away [in fact, lasalle has beaten admu in the national rankings]. I remember a story from a Upian friend. she said: a girl tried to squeeze herself through a line for a basketball game [an atenean girl]. suddenly another girl was infuriated, upon knowing that the ‘squeezer’ was from admu, the temper-challenged UP lass started calling the atenista words pertaining to low brain levels [enumerate them].

well, it’s not that bad. it doesn’t even make sense to me. another: a browsed through the photos of another Upian acquaintance, it showed UP students holding a banner for a basketball game. it read : “UP dito! Others, doon![arrow sign]” now that’s bad. *nostalgia* I want kimchi.

those things still exclude all the forums I have read revolving around the never-ending debates on what is the best university. bummer.

De La Salle University-Manila- initial screening for scholarship-passed [uhm, good?], interview on early february. no. don’t make me say things. but I have a good course here, accounting, perfect for being a CPA lawyer. It somehow makes me reconsider the possibility of choosing DLSU, but heck, it’s just not right.

University of the Philippines- all my life I eyed this institution, ever since my brother left home to enroll in Diliman. the good thing is everything. the bad thing is I failed imed. and I must be smart enough to decide if ba psychology is a good prelaw and if it could put me in a comfortable state in the future. I am now mulling over the thought of spending a semester in psych then just shift to Business Ad and Accountancy later on, so I’d be a cpa lawyer for christ’s sake. hey! now that’s a good plan.

now what. my green trilogy isn’t a trilogy at all. it was quite a long ‘month-end’ and I may have forgotten to say some other important things. I remember, our schoolpaper, The Vanguard is already done with it’s arduous publishing and printing processes. i had actually spent days just to layout everything [a minimum of an hour for each page layout]. but looking at it, I feel quite contented. we must retain our crown in the national press con. bwahahaha..

anyways, by the end of february I will be visiting baguio again for the national school’s press conference. it’s my first nspc since grade 6 and honestly I have lost all the jitters. somehow I feel as if my whole batch had left me [in terms of experience] since from 1^st to 3^rd year I wasn’t able to qualify in the nspc. but now, finally, the curse is done and I’m in a new field-editorial writing. eat that gino, you never landed in the first place in the regionals, ever, bwahahaha.

that made me think. I can’t survive in temperatures dropping down to 9 degrees celsius. death by hypothermia. I think I can consider that.