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Super Psycho

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super psycho(n.) an immensely disturbed individual who is obsessed with ranting, whining, and blabbering about his life. severely unstable and emotionally undefined, a super psycho should always be dealt with at a distance greater than 50 feet and, with some few doses of aspirin.

WHO THE HELL IS SUPER PSYCHO?
Name:Empermeen Mallawee
Nickname:Elp, Elf, Elfer, Elper, Emper, Empermeen, Buknoy, Boknoy, Bok, Mallawee
Age: I am 15. And I mean it.
Address: Honestly?
Favorite Color: Green, Orange
Favorite Food: Rodic's Jumbosilog
Motto in Life: Abolish our selves.
Favorite High School Subject: Biology
Most Hated High School Subject: Values Education
Most Unforgettable Experience: When I abolished my self.
Most Embarrassing Experience: When I abolished my self.
Who is your Crush: My self.
Do you think autograph questions are dumb?: Super.
So why are you answering this?: Why do you care.
Ambition in Life: To be a Super star.
What is Love: Love is what you say when 'horny' doesn't sound right.
If you were a deodorant scent, what would you be?: Natural Scent.
Your film biopic's title would be: E-pal
One word that best describes you: Magnificent.
What can you say about PGMA?: She has a mole on her face.
How about Josepha Estrada?:His stomach is really big.
How about Angel Locsin?:Her face looks too small.
Your alter ego's name is: Kokey
Dedication: World Peace.
Any Last Words?: Rrrawwrr.

I'M EVERYWHERE!
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Allan Habon
Riley Palanca
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MY FANS SAY THAT...

A HISTORY OF PSYCHOSIS

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Bloggiversary!...

Not So Bad:
the glory in giving up

MEMORIES OF MATSUKO. i like this film. watch it.

i. retribution is oily

two hours ago i tried to cook skinless longganisa in my desperate attempt to satiate my gastric cravings. when i remembered how easy it took me to heat up those wiggly sausages back in tabaco, i immediately pummelled the wok against the stove in a thud loud enough the hover around the apartment. but the dilemma was when i opened up the fridge and found these skinless longganisas all packed up in plastic, bound in thread and wrapped around complicatedly like some psycho in a straight jacket.

the misfortune was that i had to endure looming famine or a possible passing out while i cut the threads, pierced the plastic and squeezed my cranial convolutions just to figure out how to unwrap the darn thing. after about twenty minutes of punishing myself with the tedious task, i was able to unwrap four skinless longganisas and then i quickly dished them out on the wok. but by the time i was ready to eat them, i was too tired to even open my mouth. well, that's not really the point of this post. culinary havocs are things too mundane to even overshadow the realizations, awakenings and reevaluations i had to go through during the span of the day. there are things i must give up.

ii. let me breathe

my typical day now consists of waking up at 10am, registering under the unlimited text service immediately after opening my eyes, brushing my teeth, washing my face with this new facial foam then opening the PC and surf the hours away. just weeks ago, my usual 24-hours was cuddled by activities like waking up at 9am, taking a bath, then walking to school and finally buring the hours playing pusoy dos with the buddies i had to leave. here comes the melodrama again, but i just wonder what kind of joys would replace those hours when i learned to laugh like hell while everybody else stared appalled. it's just a pity that i learned to be carefree and jovial in a time so late.

in her typical greetings, amor texted me again, and in a quick response i asked her if she had any news about our classmates, since i was bummed and all by the monotonous hours. she said no, and then i told her about a problem which she immediately replied again with those crappy things i just find so cheesy. as i read her message, it made me really cringe with great uncomfort, so much so that i had to erase it in a sudden then closed my eyes to contemplate on matters i myself could not even comprehend. i could not believe that i am even thinking about these stuffs, when all the while my world revolved around me, and sometimes, the people who make me be. perhaps it's not that odd, maybe i am just too awkward with facing these changes. or i think excited is the better word.

anyways, i was too blank to even text amor back. after a while she sent a message again with mark's new number, with a post script saying that he lost his cellphone or something [no, i think he bought a new sim for his new phone]. and about a few seconds later, messages came flooding in from the rest of my classmates all bearing the same thing about mark's new number. and then it made me think that all of us are taking advantage of whatever time is left now that we are about to really diverge from the point where we all paused for a while. i can't believe that after four years, it is only now that we are able to show sincere concern.

iii. cut the crap

i do not think it is right for me to keep sending you messages with such hidden hopes that i might be able to get something definitive fromyou. when all the while you said no, and that the least i might get is friendship. and i once said that i am not really friendly, so such offer may just be put in vain. it's just that sometimes, i feel as if you make me feel things, but in the end you deny. i am losing hope sometimes, and worse, self-respect. i feel like i am chasing something that pushes me away when i get closer. but still i do not know what the future holds. but i should give this a rest first if i want to preserve myself. bwahahahaha---i need to say this to break the pathetically somber mood.

i have noticed that much of my new posts lack the once jumpy humor that i had. i guess there must be some internal error in my perceptions, because i no longer perceive things with unreasonable humor. sometimes i feel a bit restrained in writing, because when ideas start popping out, i become too lazy, or most often, my brain would search for other things it cannot just find.

iv. up yours

i can't believe the dvd player is broken. i have to endure not to be able to watch my korean/japanese film collections which i had been savouring on my ps2 in tabaco. even if i hear things like, playing dvd in your ps2 causes lens wear-out thrice the wear-out caused by typical ps2 cd playing, i just find it immersing to squander time in front of the tv.

i discovered another film that kicked my consciousness in the same way that pan's labyrinth did, the title is 'Memories of Matsuko'. it's a japanese film that leans more on the melodrama but what is unusual is that there are some cheesy song numbers squeezed in between tear-drenched frames. it's not really drama per se, more so not one in the context of wallowing philippine films. how would i say this..the film just offers such varied scenes within the life of this protagonist, shit, this is beginning to sound like a movie review.

just watch 'Memories of Matsuko'

v. Elfie's Bloggiversary

'elfie's bloggiversary' sounds a bit like lame made-for-children vcd movie.

my blog turns a year-old come May 7, 2007 and yet i don't even know if i should be happy because i have remedied my inert psychosis for a whole year by keeping this blog, or i should be remorseful since my life is no longer that secret. crap. i guess it's not that bad.

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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Bloggiversary!...
Absurd Psychology:
plunging into the world of next

i. when we said goodbye

when i left tabaco, i never felt it was a definitive farewell. because i knew that after a few days i was still going to come back, fondle with scattered memorabilias, and stare agape on the roads i used to take. i never felt i was leaving something, perhaps because i was bound to return, but as i sat on the bus with the views swooping past like blurry childhood memories, i could sense my need to grow up and be someone better.

while i rode that bus that traversed through the bushy countryside, through spilled streetways that reminded me of a havoc long gone, i thought of how instantaneous the push was, how urgent the need, and how unbelievable things have become. it made me laugh because three months before i was like a child ranting about how slow and unforgiving time was, simply because i desired to graduate and leave tabaco high for good. back then i was full of resentment, of bitter nostalgia and incredible impatience that blinded me from the simple joys i had back then.

i miss tabaco high but i must not. because at this point in time i should have all the strength and determination to stretch myself in a compelled adjustment. i can't believe i'm this old already. i still think like a freaking nine year old.

ii. mango shake blues

my first taste of UP was when i first rode that jeepney that took me near vinzon's hall where i had to ride another jeep that went all the way to katipunan. those were the times when i enrolled at msa because i was terrified by gossips that UP will be increasing its cut-off mark [which i guess it did], and at the same time i was trying to condition myself with conquering the quezon streetways so i'd be off in my own when i get admitted.

my eyes first searched for sunken garden, with the hopes of proving the veracity of all the things i heard, like copulation, public exhibition and things maam brizuela would quickly condemn as immoral. though i was lucky enough to be spared from such experiences, the sights reaffirmed my desires to be in that university.

last april 20, katkat was nice enough [which is too rare] to accompany me in my first step towards becoming a registered UP student-the medical-physical exams. that meant i had to endure reading her text messages plagued with curses and her usual inclination towards androgynous, ambiguous sentiments [haha] while sweating my heart out inside the jeep. when we met up near vinzons, we realized that it was already 12pm, so the UHS would most probably be still closed. and since we were both famished, she took me to melchor hall [engineering building], were i was compelled to treat her for lunch.

as we mastificated starches and polypeptides, she kept blabbering about my choice of getting ba psych as my course saying that it contradicts my supposedly strong inclinations to the sciences. she told me i could easily get into engineering courses by second year if only i meet the required units, and further endorsed IE or MatE as nice eng courses for me. it made me reconsider for a while since we were eating at the eng building and i was surrounded by eng'g students. it reminded me of the days when i was a junior and i so wanted to take up chemical engineering just because i had a perfect score in a long quiz which i didn't even study for. but i when i reassessed what i really loved, i knew that en'g was not for me. not that i never stood out in math in high school [i was just relegated!], i can comprehend math because i can, but it is not what i like.

so i just ignored her flashy narrations of being an eng'g student in a highly academic environment and continued munching the fillet. i knew somehow that i must get into ba psych first before i could find out what i really liked, whatever it may be.

iii. God forgive them

the medical-physical exam was a long and arduous process so it's better that i finally get them off my neurons. it took me four hours to get all the requirements and i even had the shoch of my life with those meddling doctors [which i must not ever disclose].

as i waited for my turn at the xray, i was seated right beside a korean. it was hot inside and i could feel radiation eating up my cells so i decided to take out the fan i borrowed from katkat and aerated myself away. she noticed the aeration was reaching her so she said thanks and all i could do was to nod because i didn't understand what she was even talking about. she went on further by asking me when the xray results will be released and i found it hard because i couldn't understand her english a bit. after some dyads i learned that her parents were missionaries and that she was admitted in UP under the B Music program. i bet there were four more koreans that had the exams with me.

when i was finally finished with the damned triage, i called katkat and she accompanied me to Palma Hall Annex, Department of Psychology. but before that, taking after her devilish instincts, she had us fool a jeepney driver in giving us a free ride, so i was able to see the dreaded math building when the ikot jeep stopped there. it was then that i realized that up was a really big campus, almost like six times the size of tabaco high [UP is 400-something ha].

when we reached PHAN, we saw these clumps of senior psych students by the steps and i had to ignore their stare as i walked in between them on my way to the department office. inside i saw ate daisy [haha, close na kame] and then i asked her about my dilemma. we only have 15 units for the first sem, and i wanted to know if i could take another subject in MST like Bio1. after some deliberations with the profs and after consulting the college registrar, ate daisy said that it wasn't allowed. it made me worry because having 15 units is like being underloaded, so we just left and walked to the PHILCOA jeep station.

iv. who knows?

that day made me peek into my potentially eruptive life as a UP student, but still it pushed me away further from my memories as that haggard-looking, pimply high school student in tabaco high. it made me realize that i did grow up somehow, and it made me feel precognitive as i re-recited parts of my valedictory address where i talked about my failure to grow up emotionally. but still, i do not know whether i should expect greater things or i should just sit down and prepare for whatever may come.

i still cannot believe that i am here, where i once dreamt of. but day by day, the changes makes me pause for a while, because sometimes i just don't want to let go.

when i think about myself and perceive everything about me, i could not trace any sense of maturity suitable enough to put me into college. and then it gives me flashbacks of the people i once met and who i may not be seeing for quite a time.

my zodiac once said that Libras love changes, and i could not deny that i look forward to my college days. but it makes me think back, because it is only now that i am able to appreciate the people who had unconsciously shaped up my absurd psychology.

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Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Bloggiversary!..
Burning that Crap:
a compilation of things i should have forgotten

i. unsolicited requests

i don't really have anything to say right now. but the instinct to post was propelled by the fact that my blog will be a year-old in about a month and yet nothing on the whole layout seems to give a clue about the momentous milestone. a few months ago i was thinking of creating a condensed chronicle of the most morbid thoughts i ever had for the past 12 months then post them in this blog with matching absurd photoshop morphisms of my digital photos. but the shock that it might stir up haunts me a bit, so here i am, writing as i listen to the engine coughs on nearby mindanao avenue. blurry. blurry.

five hours ago i was riding a jeep to UP diliman, and there was nothing special about the whole journey, except that i thought of the fact that i shall be having the same ride for the next four years of my life. i stared at the two old men in front of me who were talking about a friend who was jailed, then i looked at the woman who was munching her goto in such a famished way, then i think of the complexity of the next ten minutes and it reminds me of how my life has morphed from my simple morning walk to tabaco high.

i had erroneously deleted my graduation pictures, which is a surprisingly dumb thing to do. there was a virus meddling with my files and in a spark of fury, i reformatted every external memory device i could see in a rabid attempt to kill the source of that freaking parasite. and later did i realize that i had erased the photos in my digicam. aargh. stupid.

oh. i remember, this is just an introduction. forgive my idiocy. i had just graduated and now i don't know what to do.

ii. devouring neurons

last march31, i officially rejected my ateneo scholarship, to think that i spent the day somewhere in tabaco, doing my usual weird stuffs, totally oblivious to the fact that i am turning down some flashy offer from an opus dei-ish school. mommy [mama, really] said that admu would be a nice choice especially for me, who she says, is drifting away from the Light of the Lord, which is the main sense of admu's 'Lux in Domino' crap.

though i think i have been blabbering about the stuff for months now, i just don't want to. UP diliman is a bigger playground. i don't want to be stuck in a freaking see saw for the next five years.

*i am again reminded of my crappy DLSU interview which i took with the echoes of our calculus discussions hovering above me. i can still remember how the interviewer kept her irking tone that seemed to tell me that i should be incredibly poor to qualify for a scholarship. 'but you have seven siblings, don't you think even one of them can help your father finance your studies in lasalle?' [yes mam, but my father may retire soon]. it's a really stupid answer, what can i even say, the interviewer called in the middle of a quiz on the chain rule.

so much for that. my application was denied. stupid effort for a stupid school.that was a mean thing to say.

iii. and i flew

i graduated last april 11, in a lousy toga that my sister had to iron for an hour.

it was a particularly hot day, and i had to cover my upper body with an enormous umbrella just to block off the solar wrath. so when i watched the video coverage, i noticed that i had my face covered every time the camera focused on me.

a night before that we had a blow out. and i played as a doting host to 50 people or so who came to our house to partake in the consumption of a porcine carcass who was brutally slaughtered a night before [go veggie!]. i can still remember, i had to run really fast after some impromptu photo ops at the school lobby so i can welcome my visitas by the gate.

my classmates were there. about 33 of the 39 came, and i was a bit surprised because almost all of them were there. after munching things and after talking about stuffs, they had to go because we had our baccalaureate mass the morning after. of course, we had some picture taking by the dead pig's head. how brutal.

my teachers were there, except for my shady, ambiguous adviser who never really cared and also absent was my slutty math teacher who, i bet, was searching for a decent husband somewhere on the distant hills.haha. mam becky was there, and i didn't manage to thank her for being so considerate even if this lousy governor failed to be always there when i had to do something. mam julma- i had never seen such a kind and friendly teacher, mam claudio- i wonder how come we always laugh even if we were talking about dissing oint of orders.

my science teachers were there, from bio to physics. mam agnes- she once starved me to near death but still, she taught me everything i had to know about the central dogma. mam bo- even if i gave her another losing streak in chem quiz, she was nice enough to give me a 98.sir alvin- i can still remember how i tried to evade him because my physics reviewers were destroyed by reming. mam camu- she once caught me eating outside the corridor alone while we had classes, but she saw me as a special student and never a nuisance, haha.

my buddies were there. i remember a vaues education lesson talking about degrees of friendship, from acquaintance to 'soulmate', and from that i realized that i do have 'buddies' after all.

JWC splurged in alcohol at eight and all i could do was to play pusoy with them. it was then that i realized that it was really difficult to have alcoholics as your guests. genrel and the rest were singing some absurd songs on the guitar while i was busy laughing at how jojo looked when he had the pseudo-drunk aura splashed on his face. it was also odd because the loquaciousness induced by farah's drunkenness was translated to unpalatable photo sessions with the dead pig's head [again].

i must also write about the parties i went to so i may not forget about them. i love tita mayet's spaghetti with it's strong liver smell. but what i love more are the drinking sprees that lasted until 2am. haha. it was the first time i sang drunk and my buddies had to endure murderous tones. after about an hour kevin and i had to 'refill' and we had to buy drinks at the 24-hour mini-mart nearby as the teenage drunkards sang the night away.

romer and i also went to daryl's party out of respect [consider its various definitions].

honestly, i had forgotten about the things i did prior to our graduation day since last week i seemed to jump into a hole that took me to a place too different. i once told amor that i must forget about some people because i am building a new life. and she told me that i must not really leave everything behind. and then our conversation switched to things like trust and breaking it, but all i could do was to think about how things might change.

i know that changing things is inevitable for me and for all the people that were unlucky enough to be tangled in the web of my existence. but sometime, somewhere, i am sure things will change.

but i just don't know how.

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