but i am guessing [i sure hope so] that it REALLY is God's will that there was no apparent #17 in maginhawa st. the traysi driver was already looking like some newbie while he circled and circled the street in aimless strides. meanwhile, as manong driver dizzied himself in frantic motions, i was staring at my wristwatch thinking that i should have said no early on.

after about ten minutes i decided to just stop by some grimy restaurant in a nearby street at UP village, and i stood there for a few minutes, wondering why the hell i was there. so when the red traysis came swooping past the unoccupied roads i quickly hopped into them, and from then on, there was only the sweltering heat, the rugged bumps, and my desire for a DVD marathon.

right near philcoa, rows and rows of pirated DVDs were lined up like some legitimate goods up for commercial bragging. upon seeing them from the traysi i rode in, i quickly scoured through them looking for some titles that would somehow interest me. and there they were, in all their pirated glory: heroes, tenjo tengue and alice academy.

i've read somewhere that heroes was a nice show, so when i spotted it i quickly i grabbed a copy. then after combing through everything, i saw tenjo tengue again..then..alice academy...then veronica mars...then grey's anatomy episodes 1-22.. but i was parsimonious enough not to dish out all that my father gave me. so i just opted to buy heroes and alice academy since the latter reminded me of my old favorite show 'akazukin chacha'.

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so that's why i am so happy today. i'll be having a dvd marathon tonight.weeeee.

it has been days since my forced insomnia, and i found it surprising that i can forget quickly. i mean the memory is still there because of matters physiologically and psychologically spontaneous, but the past sensations disturb me no more. no more compulsory insomnia for me, no more thumb abuse, no more obsessive unli urges. just my life, and realization that i wasted time and effort.

tomorrow i am to attend an academic forum, and it freaks me out because i do not know what will happen, who the speakers are or who the audience is. what i know is that it will be a nice opportunity to meet some of my co-psych majors-freshies in UP, and an excuse to go out. but i'm too lazy to go there, i'm not even a UP student yet. well i guess i am because i had enrolled and i already have my form5 with me. but there still is a long way ahead.

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which reminds me of my psych classmates. they are an active bunch, with some eruptive loquaciousness and friendliness splurting out of the seconds like things uber concrete that i can catch and CRUSH! too bad i looked like a retard when i was with them. or more like a speech-deprived sociopath.

but still, good luck to all of us.fight!

it was only 10 hours of sleep but now i feel a bit alive, with some pulsations in the arteries, pumping life, as if it was suspended for some time. thank God for the new day, because..it's raining.

i learned that we shouldn't waste today for a damn depressed yesterday, because our cellular memories will retain such bad experiences that it toxifies us.

our liver changes every six months, our skin changes every two weeks, our bones, every two months, and everything else that comprises us. God modifies our physical being during defined intervals, just so we feel new and forget about what once was. and it would be a form of gratitude if we as well help Him, and change what swims in our neurotic thoughts, forget about bad things, and look at life as if it's pratically new. it alwyas IS new.

i learned my thoughts can affect what lives, breathes, or exists around me. i am part of this system and i once felt bummed and down, but now it sucks so much. who cares if things didn't work out.

at least i still have a life waiting for me. i just have to undo things. then forget about all that crap.

nobody deserves a sorry.

i realized even the smartest people can be so superficial. because what they see is what they perceive. who cares about numbers, even psychics can't compute for a dead hag's soul-derivative.

i thank jelline because she made me realize i was stupid. and a bigger gratitude because she pointed out the error, only for me to find out it was nearly too late for any correction.

nobody should feel so adored. superficial.

i'm not stupid because i was not able to get what i want.

i was stupid because i thought it was even worth it.

ang hina ko naman.

it's crap. just, senseless crap.

it's not enough but it's the most one can do. and even if it is an act too short for retribution, it somehow manages to push us through. at least, until the day things will come to rest.

i was given and i refused.

kasi nga. magulo isip ko eh. tanga ko naman.

english to ah.

sorry.

there's a point in time when sorry means a mistake was done. and another point when it means we should forgive.

and now i only think about it from the other side. when i have to really wait to find out.

well i am yet to discover that, i am only on my fifth day of regular meditation, lying flat on my back at 12 in the morning taking in deep 'noursihing' breath to 'heal my battered' soul or whatever the book said. kidding aside, i am noticing an apparent streak of positivism inching along the picture, and i feel a bit better because the usual self-cursings are gone. and no, i no longer think about absurd things like the way i used to. i feel so light that i'm starting to forget that i'm getting physiologically heavy [i'll deny that].

and too bad i had to pay 21 000 pesos for such a label. i can't think.

i'm too bummed. i'm so sorry.

but it won't take us anywhere.

i enrolled today, and i had to brave long sweaty lines for 4 straight hours, ignore personnel senility, ignore upper years' repulsive presupposed sagaciousness, ignore everyone, ignore boredom, ignore things. i was too tired that when i came home, i took a long bath.

why am i even thinking about it. as if it's something.

jelline said i should forget. i think she's right. but sometimes it's bad to fly off in unreasonable silence. even i would find that selfish. i think nobody's affected the way i saw it.

it's my fault.sorry.

shut up.shut up.shut up.

oooohhhh. complex thoughts.

now i really have to meditate.

damn these underpaid workers.

when i reached taft av i had to go to lrt and again, i dished out 15 pesos for my ticket all the way to UN av. when i hopped off at the UN station, 5545 wasn't there so i had to fill myself with some deprived manna from the kitchen of jollibee. afterwards i spent the day in rob.ermita, combing through everything as if i even had the pocket to spend. all i was able to buy were a pair of slippers and a book by jaime licauco. well, nothing more.

just this morning i tried to read a few parts before it made me too excited to try meditating myself. i spent about twenty minutes in what i considered genuine meditation until my spine was too exhausted by the pranas channelling from my soul [translate: the bed's matress was worn-out]. i think it was really effective and my thoughts seemed to lighten a bit. and what was better is that for the first time i felt genuine optimism contaminating my mental absurdities. it's really helpful. now if only all of us would try meditating at least for 20 minutes twice a day, then we won't be sour enough like those old hags at UP's OUR.

it took me about an hour to finally make him admit that he was really planning to go, and he was just messing with my boiling temper. so afterwards i sent a text to 5546 confirming that jayson would hang out the day after at Mall of Asia. then i told her we had to meet in front of SM north so we could go to mrt taft av station together. it made my heart jump faintly, because after two weeks of locking myself up in the apartment, i will finally be doing something teenagers usually do. or so i thought.

like, hell. not that i was too afraid to ride the mrt on my own. if we she was just planning to go there why won't all of us just go together. north av to taft takes about 30 minutes and i can't spend the whole ride on my own thinking how come i was alone when all of us would just be going to the same place. she told me i could go with them, but if i didn't ask her why she won't accompany me, i wouldn't have even known.

as usual my temper reached an intolerable high and my thoughts whined down in an uncontained, furious drowsiness. so i told 5545 i won't go and that 5546w ill just be bringing along their classmates and it would make me feel stupid because i belong to the younger batch. after that message i opted to sleep again for about four hours, woke up at 12pm and ate some longganisa as i thought of the spiderman3 experience that never was. i don't know if i was wrong, 5546h ad stood me up so many times. and if she has a problem with me or she's irked with me, then for christ's sake, connections must be cut off. because that's better than this nonstop guessing on who has the problem and how the hell that problem came about.it's geting tiring and annoying. so now it makes me feel better to be in this boring house than out there in pasay thinking of about these horrid thoughts.

i've noticed peXers are forging up such hatred towards wendy. apparently, they are citing the fact that PBB prime time edits the part where wendy shows her supposed rough conduct towards other housemates. all in all, the thread flow is really engrossing so much so that post come after one another every minute or so, almost like a chatroom.[ http://www.pinoyexchange.com/forums/showthread.php?t=298954&page=33 ]

on the other hand, the academe thread is equally nice especially if bashing between schools reach a high. it makes me wonder how come the lasalle versus ateneo crap just won't die down, in fact things between these exclusive schools are getting more infuriated by the second. the university of the philippines thread is also fun, it helped me a lot especially with those post-filled freshmen thread. go check out pinoy exchange. it's reaaaaally fun.