I had a blog post inside my head. I had lines for introduction, the body, the dramatic climax, and I had an ending full of flare. It was a whining, wallowing imaginary post full of what-could-have beens, pseudo-emoness and all my usual crap. But now, as I sit inside Greenshop with two seatmates peeking at how I translate my life drama into pixelated words, I could not even remember a freaking line.

It's just that, I feel so mediocre nowadays. Of course I always have alibis for stuffs I hate. Today I got five mistakes for an accounting quiz, all because I am too stupid to distinguish a loss from a revenue and 520 from a freaking 250. And then I would say I'm careless to augment that glaring fact that I am borderline-stupid, isolated case or not. But at the end of the day, I still have five mistakes, I still wallow, I still blog in depression. I was actually telling myself, in an effort to self-counsel my troubles, that this early, I should think of ways to comfort myself, or to pacify myself whenever I get not-so nice scores or lower than the mean results. I told myself that my provincial public high school days of glorious perfect exams and fruitful OCness are over. After all, it was not my fault if I went through my elementray and secondary schooling in the outskirts where majority of the teens are more bothered by neighbor romances that periodic exam spooks. And it's not my fault if I am in a university full of people who want to outshine and outdo each other in their bouts of self-fulfillment, quest for societal and economic position and all that glittering crapola.

During days like this one, I am reminded of my high school's system for administering the haggard, unethical periodic examinations. We do it every other day, 4 subjects per day plus some squeezed up random time slot for the science electives. They don't care if you're all drugged up or near insanity for memorizing, no, not studying, but memorizing the stuffs they have been blabbering about like hell. You just take the exam, and may the good Lord pity your mental limitations. And then they tell you they only record your grades, you are the one who makes it.

Whatever.

I have been taking exams left and right for four days now, and I feel so harassed and oppressed and violated and all the other pity-inducing feelings. Sometimes, when I'd suddenly go blank from all the studying, I would get reminded of my old high school self and start wallowing again, because those were the times when you could smell how rotten the path public education is taking. Although now I am at least assured that what I am studying about is actually worth the time, the effort and the drama, I still feel a bit giddy and at the same time, infuriated, that I find myself in this situation.

Giddy because I feel so college and all. Infuriated because I no longer feel that smart anymore. LOL and sigh.

Seriously, i do not know how to end this blog post. I just found some free minutes and started typing, and now I realized I just wanted to wallow about my self-perceived stress. Pretending that there is actually something serious happening with my boring, exam-laden existence.

I never thought an accounting exam can push me to reassess what I am doing with my life. See, accounting is actually deep. No, I'm not shifting out again, and I really intend to stay and graduate, for family obligations' sake. Besides, I have thought about this and told myself that when things look dim and not sopleasant, I should just shut up, blog, and stay put.

It's just that, when I shifted disciplines, away from the social sciences, I had this unspoken pact that I should study as much as I could. I told myself that a time well-spent equals a time burying my nose in pages and pages of academic jizz. This delusion even bubbled up with Mam Kho's constant proddings and her tales from the Summa Cum Laude's megabrain. She would tell us that in accounting you should study and study and study and all that OC-ness, that success spells out you-in-the-study-table-forever. And so I believed her, and I studied, and studied, and all. I have been dedicating the past few days in what this new discipline has been demanding from me. And I am not complaining, I really am beginning to love this kind of field.

But my error is that: I am following Ma'am Kho's advice. And the bigger problem is that, Jesus Christ, she's BAA Summa cum Laude material, and I am the boy who writes short stories when he's depressed, paints with watercolors when he's happy and watches pirated DVDs when he feels he doesn't have a purpose in life. I realized, I have been trying so hard in emulating the very beautiful and attractive [haha, labs ko pa rin si Mam] Ma'am Kho, without counting the fact that we are completely different, and breathing with the illusion that I can be like her, by compensating my natural lackings with much effort.

I chose not to join Debate Society because I want to focus on my studies. I have postponed affiliating myself with political parties because I didn't want distractions. I have realigned my plans back in first year to fit in this new world. Sometimes I would think I have done the right things, but oftentimes, I would think that I would have done better. This this is not wrong, what is erroneous is how I am trying to approach it.

Right now, all I want to do is, yes, to study, but not just that anymore. I want to do the things I love to do, chase my other dreams, fulfill myself, and not shape my being in accordance with someone I look up to. I had been looking at people and trying to make myself like them, or be better than them, this I have been attempting at, upon assuming the hushed demands and restrictions of this new discipline. But I feel like it's getting tiring, and senseless. Perhaps they're destined to shine and soar, because they are they, and I am me. I've been so irrational, Mam Toledano and Sir Valero would have slapped me in shame for forgetting my Philo.

I find myself funny oftentimes, during moments when I thought I know stuffs but I actually don't. I think it's just a dilemma, what should it be, really: to assume humility in the verge of ignorance for the sake of acknowledging man's inherent lack of omniscience and perfect reason, or, to live by self-defined principles, fight for them, put faith in them, only to find one's self weak-kneed when the universe has decided to snap you out of such obstinate disillusionment.

I do not know what is right, really. But I am trying to think I should know better.

[PS. I am seriously praying that Emo moments like this are temporary, short-spanned, and are merely resultant of Accounting exams and bad hormonal mood.]

Today I woke up at one in the afternoon, almost 12 hours after I realized that 'Teeth' is too loud to be watched in the wee hours of the morning, in Ipil, in a room with one guy sleeping and the other one missing his pair of earphones. I turned off the laptop during the part where Dawn, the lead charcter, was about to be raped inside a cave-thingy behind a waterfall.

And this afternoon, when I resumed my movie cravings sans roommate and sans the eerie wing silence that would have allowed my speakers to flood the air with moans of pain and violence, I found out that Dawn was indeed raped, technically, but her vagina dentata bit off Toby's penis and weeks after, his body was found floating in the river.

Yes, Teeth sounds morbid. But a few days before I finally decided to watch Teeth after it spent days untouched inside my laptop's memory, I couldn't even find time NOT to study. Ex-floormate said I have been studying too much, with all the negative implications of 'too much' splashed on his tone. I said I had to, so as to compensate for my brain's natural lackings [lol]. But as I replayed the week all over my head, I realized that, I feel bored.

+++

I watched 'Hancock' with my high school friend, and she made me pay for her ticket. Which is bad since I had been saving up for something, but I'm left with one hundred pesos [and I spent that for the Taxi ride]. I think Hancock is good, in an intellectually, visually fulfilling way. I mean, the title sounded so dull and sexually-connotative unless you have some American history background, but the actual movie was nice. I hope they did a better job promoting this film.

I'm just disturbed, though. Charlize Theron looked like a grandma.

[positive thoughts, positive thoughts...]

The UAAP Opening Ceremonies freaked me out. Honestly, there was just no innovation. And it was so freaking tiring to watch! Unless you consider bloated, magnified skirts as innovation, then the whole thing was practiced mess. There was just no visual candy. Again, except for the overblown skirts of Maria Makiling and all those diwata jizz, I thought they looked interesting.

Anyway. Seriously, who cares about the dance interpretation of local children's games. I mean, okayyyy, sure, patriotism is such a flashy, noble concept, but honestly, it just didn't look right. Just like what Kuya Ace said: 'Baka pati yung mga modern games, PS2, Gameboy, iiinterpret pa nila!" What will they do? Jump a thousand times in circular form to depict the X button?!

But, well, that's me, I have a deviant taste. But personally, and honestly, I thought it was...energetic. LOL.

+++

It was my first time in Araneta Coliseum, and I had some few observations. You see, I was a very diligent Cheerleading PE student last semester and I had been trained to be jumpy and happy and all during UAAP games. And so this afternoon, during the UE vs UST game, the UE people were rather, high, and did that wave thing several times while thier warriors dunked hoops and all the hoola. Mind you, they do waves rather well. If Wave-doing thingy has it's continuum of quality. Anyway, since that kind of cheer is rather, err, flambuoyant, the UST peeps behind me were kinda insecure and annoyed and even cursed them, and even threw some dirty fingers.

God, seriously. Your Dominican fathers should slap you in the ass. Again, a big BUT. I am only referring to my behind-seatmates, not all the UST people. And I love their Tiger hats. Why the hell are there no stores selling those stuffs for UP? They sell tamaraw caps for FEU, eagle for ADMU and the archer hat for La Salle. Whatever.

And so since I was uber bored after the dance-until-you-go-crazy opening ceremony, I decided to buy that thing, the Wendy's Frosty after much hesitation, because I just can't stand watching a UE vs UST game since I honestly do not care about both of them! Seriously.

I should be watching Wanted by now but no one has the interest or money to watch it with me. I think Wanted is fun. But the country is getting so poor. What the hell is the connection.

Sana aksyunan 'to ng STAND UP at ng iba pang proactive/reactive/active/aggressive groups sa Diliman. Nahahassle na ako eh. LOL.

Maglakad ka naman ba galing SC papuntang School of Ewcon habang umuulan at bitbit ang mga labada mo, laptop mo at ang makapal mong libro sa Accounting. Shet, parusa ng langit. MAtapos to ng 45 minutes mong paghihintay sa wala, a.k.a, sa TAXI! Sabi nga ni John Dale habang nagpapalibre ako sa kanya ng katakam-takam na Tuna Kimbab at Kimchi ng Mashitta sa SC" 'Nangungutang ka na nga lang at nagpapalibre, tapos mag-Tataxi ka pa!"

Haggard mag Jeep eh. As if naman naglipana ang SM North jeep sa Diliman. Dyosko, bakit ganito ang transpo system sa Pilipinas?! Doomed na talaga ang republika!

+++
Umuwi nga pala ako sa Tabaco last Friday. At dilemma siya, as in MORAL dilemma. Dapat ba akong mag jeep na papuntang Cubao, kumain ng kimbab kasama ang high school friends ko, o pumunta sa Grand Pakain ng Org ko?

Syempre, nakipagkita ako sa aking high school friends, kasi galing pa yung isa sa UP Baguio. At may pinagtataguan pa siyang Kas prof na minamanyak daw siya, LOL. Kaya ano ang solusyon? Magpalibre ng Kimbab sa Mashitta.

Hulog ng langit ang kimbab. Bakit ngayong second year ko lang ito nadiscover? At kanina habang nagpalibre naman ako kay John Dale, mas heavenly siya kapag sabayan mo ng Kimchi. At syempre, tubig.

So nung natapos na kami kumain eh sumakay na ako ng Bus sa Cubao, at umuwi na rin sila, sa Baguio, Los Banos, et cetera.

+++
Sa Tabaco naman, parusa ang emceeing. Tuwang tuwa na sana ako at makikita ko na ang high school teachers ko after a year at makipag-kamustahan sa kanila. Kamusta naman at buong reception ay nasa taas ako ng stage at nagtatalak. Pero syempre, hindi naman ako nagrereklamo. ulul.

After one year din ay nakita ko na ang mga high school friendships ko na naiwan sa Tabaco at inaasikaso na ang sarili nilang mga buhay. Medyo na hurt sila ng sinabi kong antataba na nila, at yung isa, si Mark, mukha nang masamang loob. Mean ba yun? Kaya bago ako umalis ay nagkwentuhan kami sa Jollibee habang ngumunguya at ngumangasab. At hinawaan ko na rin sila ng newfound hobby ko- ang karaoke.

Shet nga lang at panaginip ang Timezone sa Albay. Kamusta rin ang mga mic na na flat na sa kakahulog, at amoy sapsap ang handle. Probinsya nga naman. Pero, hooray, singko lang ang isang kanta. Kaya todo sawa ka. Mabaho nga lang.

Pangit magpaka-emo sa Tagalog so kunyari eh emotionless ang blog na ito. Pero nung nasa bus na ako pabalik ng Manila, na realize ko na namimiss ko rin pala ang dati kong buhay sa Albay. Mamimiss ko sila. Palibhasa, never ako nag karaoke nung high school pa ako. Kaya iniisip ko ngayon na umuwi samen every two months. Hayyy.

+++
Sabi ni Richard, yung dormmate kong mahilig mag skinny jeans, OA daw ako.

May something kasi kaming pinag-usapan, tapos bakit daw ang haggard ng mukha ko. Sabi ko kasi eh alas dos na ako laging natutulog kasi nagbabasa pa ako, nagsosolve [lol] and all that GCness. OA daw yun. At medyo napaisip ako kasi nadedepress na ako sa routine work kong buhay. Pag uwi sa dorm eh tulog muna, kain, tapos aral up to sawa. Parang, walang variety? Haha.

Pero iniisip ko rin na hindi buong buhay UP ko eh mala Freshie na Kalay, lakwatsa, wentuhan at happiness lang. Siguro sa proseso ng progression, kailangan talaga gumapang at magpaka OC-all-you-want. So ayun, tuloy pa rin ako sa newly acquired study habits ko. At maghahanap na nga ako ng social life. Promise.

Napapansin ko rin ngayon na natataranta ako kapag may isa akong lesson na medyo hindi nagagrasp [except sa Econ, haggard kasi]. Kaya ginagawa ko talaga ang laht para naman medyo ma-gets ko siya. At nafefreak out na ako sa sarili ko kasi nag-aaral na ako sa Math. Dyosko, something's WRONG na talaga.

At ngayon naghahanap pa ako ng matututor-an na Koreano kasi kelangan ko talaga ng PERA kasi ang mahal ng ulam sa Rodics. Magkakasundo naman siguro kami kasi mahal ko na ang KIMBAB.

+++

Pero ayos naman eh. Masarap mag-aral sa Ipil [molave what?joke] at yung weather ngayon, mala-Baguio, kaya nakakaaliw. Aircon na rin ang mga klase ko ngayon except sa Math, at, dyosko, Stat na malapit na sa langit pero mainit pa rin. Sabi ko nga sa mga floormates ko dati sa Kalay, nakakadepress mag-adjust, pero kebs lang sila, kumain na lang kami sa Pork Barrel, yung 4+1 na ulam na nakakabusog, parang piyesta lang eh.

Iniisip ko tuloy na lumipat na sa KNL kapag uber emo na ako, pero, Ipil na nga lang. Ewan, isang buwan pa lang naman eh. Pero parang ang haba na ng panahon, effort na kasi eh, KSP ang acads.

Nagpapasalamat lang ako sa bike, sa numbers [nyaha], at syempre, sa Mashitta. I love you Mashitta, pa-sponsor naman!