-=oOo=-

the day ended with this sleepy author fondling the keyboard, because he really wants to write a blogpost for this day. he woke up at 11AM because it took him seven straight hours to stalk using the internet[haha...] and surf lazily through his digitally-rendered friends at friendster. earlier this day, his brother told him that he has no social life, that is why he is getting too obsessive with the internet. he just blinked. [enough with the third-person mode] yesterday i was able to finish our El Filibusterismo Character Analysis, the most sadistic project ever devised by an alophesiac[read:bald] Filipino teacher. i am doubting Mr.B's personality, i believe he has perverted tendencies on almost eveything, pero, three months to go and he will die into memory[figurative lang]. imagine making us write in-depth analyses on 20+ characters of a grave book of utter historical and political complicity, on CHRISTMAS vacation. now i won't wonder in what form karma gets back at him[falling hair?] so, luckily, i was able to finish the project. i started typing immediately after waking up and finished everything at 8PM. 9 hours for a single project. evil.

rattlings, rattlings, rattlings..somehow, i really feel that i should shut up at times.

ii. because they are

i am trying to describe my classmates. i have lived with them for nearly four years now, and still i have certain questions that i simply can't answer. which reminds me of this very special incident that happened during my super favorite Values Education class with Ma'am Brizuela. well, it's a scenario you would easily pluck out of a grotesquely wet drama series, but just the same, the surroundings, the wailings, these strange but familiar faces, they made me think of things i refused to ponder on for the last three years.

ma'am brizuela opens the discussion with a disappointed frown and i already sensed something was really wrong. she said our class was a pathetic waste[joke, she said it lacks unity and closeness], and everyone agreed. i remember, it was our class mayor, Lean, who first talked about the issue in front of everyone. this is what i remember about what he said, semi-verbatim:

"i regret the fact that i belong to this class, because when you are here and you are with these people, it's so difficult to find real friends. people here can be deceiving."

more whinings came and we saw a gaunt Maurice crying like some hydroelectric-sourced waterfalls by the blackboard, and all Ma'am could ever do was to comfort him. we have never seen him cry, he was always smiling, laughing, studying or cracking cheap jokes. but never has he said that he felt degraded being in the class. Ayra was furious, as usual, when it comes to being vocal. and again we saw her bravura in contained belligerence, howling like a Mayon gone catatonic. but fortunately she summed it all up, but stupid me, i have forgotten what she has said. all i could recall was how she made everyone quiet, because she made us know that she was really right. then hordes followed, Carlo sounding like a runaway seminarian, Michelle in her usual crybaby mode, andrea,uhm..never mind her, kristine fighting over a boy with rcristy..and these people..gahd, why can't i tolerate them, ever.[rephrase that] the event was messy, but real. never mind that it was spine-tingling and goosebump-inducing, it was as real as how we wished everything would be.

the orb was the grandest sight i have ever seen. and i overflew with that desperate and gasping feeling of wanting. but there were things i wasn't supposed to have. and lately, i have blatantly violated the rules of my being. i swallowed pride, i ate dignity, i pricked the balance of my homeostatic imperfection just to reach the orb. but sometimes i feel so undeserving, because even if i try so hard, i just get slapped at with rejection. for many nights i have waited for the apparition of the orb, i saw through so much darkness, i slept through so much insecurities, all with that faintly flickering of hope that my want for the orb shall grow into depths that can sustain what i desire for. sometimes i think death is sweeter than a want. but it's just one of my pathetic human thoughts that fortunately i am somehow able to shrug off.

the description is vague, because there is always the beauty in absence. but i am also a victim of elusive absence. though we want, in the end fate leads the road we toil and shit on. how come we want people who never want us back, but the reality that our feelings are not reciprocated would rarely be accepted by our system---because we are too corrupted by their amorous spell. perhaps now you are getting what i mean. now i know why. many "why's" of mine are now answered. but still, we wait.

iv. our silent countdown

it's the first time we're spending the new year in Manila. the last 15 new years i have been at were celebrated in our quaint sleepy home in Tabaco. i miss our house, even if i am dying to leave Albay, the feeling of abandoning your home always makes you despise your evolving wants. i somehow want to go back, but i know for a fact that leaving is the only way for me to fulfill myself. hehe, what's wrong with me? i still have three more months to do things the Tabaco way.

my siblings had gone off to hypermart to but our noche buena menu and of course, here i am, all lazy and dormant, typing my thoughts. the window view shoots a dark urban landscape, and pyroclastics are splurting every now and then. January 8 kicks off the last three months of my high school life. and as what i have said the thought of finishing four years with 39 people is relieving. one is because i am about to leave really bad memories, some evil people, and that i will no longer be able to see them 5 days in a week. another reason is that i'm off to a more competitive and broader arena, where hopefully, i can cultivate a more productive social life.

i am lacking in sensible thoughts to write regarding the coming year. i am again in my cynic-pessimist compound state, stirring up the worst-case scenarios i might slip myself into for the next year. and now all i could do is to call a divine unseen power to guide me through, because inside i know, i am in a universal position so frail, so weak, so inferior, ergo i need an entity to complete my lackings. and somehow i believe[ i really do], this entity exists. wow..religiously cheesy..

when the new year starts, for a split second, my subconscious might replay a condensed mini-movie of 2006. and right now i imagine a chaotic mixture of psychotic emotions, neurons raging, hormones bubbling, and all the emotions i had gone through that made me think like this and made me BE like this sleepy lazy-head neurotic thinking in front of the monitor. i really love 2006, and not that i don't want to say goodbye yet[i have no choice]. it just amazes me how bad i feel about a certain day. then later on, as i continue my imperfect living and ponder on that flawed 24 hours, i can't help but be really thankful and satisfied. which makes me even more realize how stupid i can be sometimes. i am beginning to appreciate all the sleepless nights, all the caffeine, all the extra joss. i think the only thing i have failed for the year are my intermittent erroneous judgments. but all those mistakes keep me sane and human. nice life.

-=oOo=-

i wish everyone a good new year[sincere ba ito?]..well, i am not really a hyper-nice and thoughtful person, but for the sake of ending this post let me say that really 'heartfelt' statement. waah..what a polystyrene-thick statement. no, really, with all the nice emotion i could ever pull from me, i wish that everyone can learn something really helpful from the year 2007. let us live!

photo courtesy of my megalomaniac brother, AJ.*