while i rode that bus that traversed through the bushy countryside, through spilled streetways that reminded me of a havoc long gone, i thought of how instantaneous the push was, how urgent the need, and how unbelievable things have become. it made me laugh because three months before i was like a child ranting about how slow and unforgiving time was, simply because i desired to graduate and leave tabaco high for good. back then i was full of resentment, of bitter nostalgia and incredible impatience that blinded me from the simple joys i had back then.

i miss tabaco high but i must not. because at this point in time i should have all the strength and determination to stretch myself in a compelled adjustment. i can't believe i'm this old already. i still think like a freaking nine year old.

my eyes first searched for sunken garden, with the hopes of proving the veracity of all the things i heard, like copulation, public exhibition and things maam brizuela would quickly condemn as immoral. though i was lucky enough to be spared from such experiences, the sights reaffirmed my desires to be in that university.

last april 20, katkat was nice enough [which is too rare] to accompany me in my first step towards becoming a registered UP student-the medical-physical exams. that meant i had to endure reading her text messages plagued with curses and her usual inclination towards androgynous, ambiguous sentiments [haha] while sweating my heart out inside the jeep. when we met up near vinzons, we realized that it was already 12pm, so the UHS would most probably be still closed. and since we were both famished, she took me to melchor hall [engineering building], were i was compelled to treat her for lunch.

as we mastificated starches and polypeptides, she kept blabbering about my choice of getting ba psych as my course saying that it contradicts my supposedly strong inclinations to the sciences. she told me i could easily get into engineering courses by second year if only i meet the required units, and further endorsed IE or MatE as nice eng courses for me. it made me reconsider for a while since we were eating at the eng building and i was surrounded by eng'g students. it reminded me of the days when i was a junior and i so wanted to take up chemical engineering just because i had a perfect score in a long quiz which i didn't even study for. but i when i reassessed what i really loved, i knew that en'g was not for me. not that i never stood out in math in high school [i was just relegated!], i can comprehend math because i can, but it is not what i like.

so i just ignored her flashy narrations of being an eng'g student in a highly academic environment and continued munching the fillet. i knew somehow that i must get into ba psych first before i could find out what i really liked, whatever it may be.

as i waited for my turn at the xray, i was seated right beside a korean. it was hot inside and i could feel radiation eating up my cells so i decided to take out the fan i borrowed from katkat and aerated myself away. she noticed the aeration was reaching her so she said thanks and all i could do was to nod because i didn't understand what she was even talking about. she went on further by asking me when the xray results will be released and i found it hard because i couldn't understand her english a bit. after some dyads i learned that her parents were missionaries and that she was admitted in UP under the B Music program. i bet there were four more koreans that had the exams with me.

when i was finally finished with the damned triage, i called katkat and she accompanied me to Palma Hall Annex, Department of Psychology. but before that, taking after her devilish instincts, she had us fool a jeepney driver in giving us a free ride, so i was able to see the dreaded math building when the ikot jeep stopped there. it was then that i realized that up was a really big campus, almost like six times the size of tabaco high [UP is 400-something ha].

when we reached PHAN, we saw these clumps of senior psych students by the steps and i had to ignore their stare as i walked in between them on my way to the department office. inside i saw ate daisy [haha, close na kame] and then i asked her about my dilemma. we only have 15 units for the first sem, and i wanted to know if i could take another subject in MST like Bio1. after some deliberations with the profs and after consulting the college registrar, ate daisy said that it wasn't allowed. it made me worry because having 15 units is like being underloaded, so we just left and walked to the PHILCOA jeep station.

that day made me peek into my potentially eruptive life as a UP student, but still it pushed me away further from my memories as that haggard-looking, pimply high school student in tabaco high. it made me realize that i did grow up somehow, and it made me feel precognitive as i re-recited parts of my valedictory address where i talked about my failure to grow up emotionally. but still, i do not know whether i should expect greater things or i should just sit down and prepare for whatever may come.

when i think about myself and perceive everything about me, i could not trace any sense of maturity suitable enough to put me into college. and then it gives me flashbacks of the people i once met and who i may not be seeing for quite a time.

my zodiac once said that Libras love changes, and i could not deny that i look forward to my college days. but it makes me think back, because it is only now that i am able to appreciate the people who had unconsciously shaped up my absurd psychology.