the misfortune was that i had to endure looming famine or a possible passing out while i cut the threads, pierced the plastic and squeezed my cranial convolutions just to figure out how to unwrap the darn thing. after about twenty minutes of punishing myself with the tedious task, i was able to unwrap four skinless longganisas and then i quickly dished them out on the wok. but by the time i was ready to eat them, i was too tired to even open my mouth. well, that's not really the point of this post. culinary havocs are things too mundane to even overshadow the realizations, awakenings and reevaluations i had to go through during the span of the day. there are things i must give up.

in her typical greetings, amor texted me again, and in a quick response i asked her if she had any news about our classmates, since i was bummed and all by the monotonous hours. she said no, and then i told her about a problem which she immediately replied again with those crappy things i just find so cheesy. as i read her message, it made me really cringe with great uncomfort, so much so that i had to erase it in a sudden then closed my eyes to contemplate on matters i myself could not even comprehend. i could not believe that i am even thinking about these stuffs, when all the while my world revolved around me, and sometimes, the people who make me be. perhaps it's not that odd, maybe i am just too awkward with facing these changes. or i think excited is the better word.

anyways, i was too blank to even text amor back. after a while she sent a message again with mark's new number, with a post script saying that he lost his cellphone or something [no, i think he bought a new sim for his new phone]. and about a few seconds later, messages came flooding in from the rest of my classmates all bearing the same thing about mark's new number. and then it made me think that all of us are taking advantage of whatever time is left now that we are about to really diverge from the point where we all paused for a while. i can't believe that after four years, it is only now that we are able to show sincere concern.

i do not think it is right for me to keep sending you messages with such hidden hopes that i might be able to get something definitive fromyou. when all the while you said no, and that the least i might get is friendship. and i once said that i am not really friendly, so such offer may just be put in vain. it's just that sometimes, i feel as if you make me feel things, but in the end you deny. i am losing hope sometimes, and worse, self-respect. i feel like i am chasing something that pushes me away when i get closer. but still i do not know what the future holds. but i should give this a rest first if i want to preserve myself. bwahahahaha---i need to say this to break the pathetically somber mood.

i have noticed that much of my new posts lack the once jumpy humor that i had. i guess there must be some internal error in my perceptions, because i no longer perceive things with unreasonable humor. sometimes i feel a bit restrained in writing, because when ideas start popping out, i become too lazy, or most often, my brain would search for other things it cannot just find.

i discovered another film that kicked my consciousness in the same way that pan's labyrinth did, the title is 'Memories of Matsuko'. it's a japanese film that leans more on the melodrama but what is unusual is that there are some cheesy song numbers squeezed in between tear-drenched frames. it's not really drama per se, more so not one in the context of wallowing philippine films. how would i say this..the film just offers such varied scenes within the life of this protagonist, shit, this is beginning to sound like a movie review.

my blog turns a year-old come May 7, 2007 and yet i don't even know if i should be happy because i have remedied my inert psychosis for a whole year by keeping this blog, or i should be remorseful since my life is no longer that secret. crap. i guess it's not that bad.