I never thought an accounting exam can push me to reassess what I am doing with my life. See, accounting is actually deep. No, I'm not shifting out again, and I really intend to stay and graduate, for family obligations' sake. Besides, I have thought about this and told myself that when things look dim and not sopleasant, I should just shut up, blog, and stay put.

It's just that, when I shifted disciplines, away from the social sciences, I had this unspoken pact that I should study as much as I could. I told myself that a time well-spent equals a time burying my nose in pages and pages of academic jizz. This delusion even bubbled up with Mam Kho's constant proddings and her tales from the Summa Cum Laude's megabrain. She would tell us that in accounting you should study and study and study and all that OC-ness, that success spells out you-in-the-study-table-forever. And so I believed her, and I studied, and studied, and all. I have been dedicating the past few days in what this new discipline has been demanding from me. And I am not complaining, I really am beginning to love this kind of field.

But my error is that: I am following Ma'am Kho's advice. And the bigger problem is that, Jesus Christ, she's BAA Summa cum Laude material, and I am the boy who writes short stories when he's depressed, paints with watercolors when he's happy and watches pirated DVDs when he feels he doesn't have a purpose in life. I realized, I have been trying so hard in emulating the very beautiful and attractive [haha, labs ko pa rin si Mam] Ma'am Kho, without counting the fact that we are completely different, and breathing with the illusion that I can be like her, by compensating my natural lackings with much effort.

I chose not to join Debate Society because I want to focus on my studies. I have postponed affiliating myself with political parties because I didn't want distractions. I have realigned my plans back in first year to fit in this new world. Sometimes I would think I have done the right things, but oftentimes, I would think that I would have done better. This this is not wrong, what is erroneous is how I am trying to approach it.

Right now, all I want to do is, yes, to study, but not just that anymore. I want to do the things I love to do, chase my other dreams, fulfill myself, and not shape my being in accordance with someone I look up to. I had been looking at people and trying to make myself like them, or be better than them, this I have been attempting at, upon assuming the hushed demands and restrictions of this new discipline. But I feel like it's getting tiring, and senseless. Perhaps they're destined to shine and soar, because they are they, and I am me. I've been so irrational, Mam Toledano and Sir Valero would have slapped me in shame for forgetting my Philo.

I find myself funny oftentimes, during moments when I thought I know stuffs but I actually don't. I think it's just a dilemma, what should it be, really: to assume humility in the verge of ignorance for the sake of acknowledging man's inherent lack of omniscience and perfect reason, or, to live by self-defined principles, fight for them, put faith in them, only to find one's self weak-kneed when the universe has decided to snap you out of such obstinate disillusionment.

I do not know what is right, really. But I am trying to think I should know better.

[PS. I am seriously praying that Emo moments like this are temporary, short-spanned, and are merely resultant of Accounting exams and bad hormonal mood.]