My 2006 in Oblivion:
the cynic strikes back
i. gasping sayonaras
i am not really a fan of goodbyes but for the sake of closing one hell of a year, let me bid a nice, neutral farewell to 2006. all i can say is that the year was, as usual, not so considerate to weirdos, but just the same, fulfilling. of course i can't complain and trash-talk about all the shits i have gone through. honestly, i no longer have hard feelings, looking back at the ending year, all i could feel is that speck of humble satisfaction inside my battered consciousness, simply because i know i survived.
-=oOo=-
before 2007 kicks-off, i am now internalizing[and meditating!] to somehow write a decent recollection of 2006. too bad though, my selective amnesia is engulfing again my memories, so most likely i'll be writing only the good bits[unfair, isn't it?] should i really write a recollection? what for, anyway, i think i have chronicled my year fairly in this blog. what am i even saying. let me put some sense into this.
-=oOo=-
the day ended with this sleepy author fondling the keyboard, because he really wants to write a blogpost for this day. he woke up at 11AM because it took him seven straight hours to stalk using the internet[haha...] and surf lazily through his digitally-rendered friends at friendster. earlier this day, his brother told him that he has no social life, that is why he is getting too obsessive with the internet. he just blinked. [enough with the third-person mode] yesterday i was able to finish our El Filibusterismo Character Analysis, the most sadistic project ever devised by an alophesiac[read:bald] Filipino teacher. i am doubting Mr.B's personality, i believe he has perverted tendencies on almost eveything, pero, three months to go and he will die into memory[figurative lang]. imagine making us write in-depth analyses on 20+ characters of a grave book of utter historical and political complicity, on CHRISTMAS vacation. now i won't wonder in what form karma gets back at him[falling hair?] so, luckily, i was able to finish the project. i started typing immediately after waking up and finished everything at 8PM. 9 hours for a single project. evil.
rattlings, rattlings, rattlings..somehow, i really feel that i should shut up at times.
news flash: Rizal now has a Penguin up on his Noli Me Tangere masterpiece. that is, noli has been selected as one of the newest members of the Penguin Classics collection, a prestigious publishing house that has acquired the rights to the most famous classical literary works like Canterbury Tales, The Socratic Dialogue, Phrygias and the like. now with a modern translation by Augerbaum[misspelled], the new edition puts Rizal in the same honor and prestige like that of Jane Austen, Dante, Chaucer and others. just this evening i was able to catch a glimpse of the new Noli at Fully Booked, The Block. it was *wow*, you see, ever since second year, i have always been eyeing penguin classics, the titles are just breath-taking for bibliophiles. but quite heavy on the pocket. so imagine going to a bookstore one day and you see the familiar title now with the Penguin logo above it. utterly amazing. to think that it was the same book in Filipino that i never liked much back in 3rd year. mabuhay si Rizal! [seriously!]
ii. because they are
i am trying to describe my classmates. i have lived with them for nearly four years now, and still i have certain questions that i simply can't answer. which reminds me of this very special incident that happened during my super favorite Values Education class with Ma'am Brizuela. well, it's a scenario you would easily pluck out of a grotesquely wet drama series, but just the same, the surroundings, the wailings, these strange but familiar faces, they made me think of things i refused to ponder on for the last three years.
it was one of the really nice friday afternoons you could ever have. except for the fact that some of your classmates are still eating lunch, and five minutes to go and Values Ed. is about to start. in its usual state, the class was "academically buzzy", meaning people kept blabbering about quizzes and lessons. FAST FORWARD.
ma'am brizuela opens the discussion with a disappointed frown and i already sensed something was really wrong. she said our class was a pathetic waste[joke, she said it lacks unity and closeness], and everyone agreed. i remember, it was our class mayor, Lean, who first talked about the issue in front of everyone. this is what i remember about what he said, semi-verbatim:
"i regret the fact that i belong to this class, because when you are here and you are with these people, it's so difficult to find real friends. people here can be deceiving."
Lean's remarks struck me like a lazy dog kicked in the ass. those were the exact words i have desperately sought for whenever i try to describe the feeling of being in IV-Einstein. it really is difficult to find real friends, because a lot of us are crappy hypocrites who are really greedy[of course, i am not one of them!]. some of us are deceiving, up to certain degrees that you would not even expect to be plausible for 16 year old students. i am evil. why am i even saying such nasty things about my class. no one can blame me, or blame us. our collective description might be externally nasty but probe it and the fact that they are real in all its rawness establishes that compelling acceptance of truth. we are disturbingly imperfect. too much of imperfection can be unhealthy and evil.
more whinings came and we saw a gaunt Maurice crying like some hydroelectric-sourced waterfalls by the blackboard, and all Ma'am could ever do was to comfort him. we have never seen him cry, he was always smiling, laughing, studying or cracking cheap jokes. but never has he said that he felt degraded being in the class. Ayra was furious, as usual, when it comes to being vocal. and again we saw her bravura in contained belligerence, howling like a Mayon gone catatonic. but fortunately she summed it all up, but stupid me, i have forgotten what she has said. all i could recall was how she made everyone quiet, because she made us know that she was really right. then hordes followed, Carlo sounding like a runaway seminarian, Michelle in her usual crybaby mode, andrea,uhm..never mind her, kristine fighting over a boy with rcristy..and these people..gahd, why can't i tolerate them, ever.[rephrase that] the event was messy, but real. never mind that it was spine-tingling and goosebump-inducing, it was as real as how we wished everything would be.
i guess i have to accept the fact that i am in this class that seems so unideal for people hungry for social life. but again and again and again, i never felt like complaining. i used to, in 2nd year. but now i realized pointing out the flaws is as futile as staring at them. the least and the most i could ever do is to let things be so, for i can never correct whatever inversions or perversions there are in the psyche of my compulsory friends. i just have to live with them. you can't blame me, we are an unusual mixture of the mutually repulsive. our state is fatal, not intentional. if there should be a change to be stirred up, it must be a collective effort, not again one of my lazy drowsy calls for change. i will surely remember that Friday class.
iii. we always wait
i met the orb in that wind-sunk city where the chill bites at dusk. i was in my hyper-pensive mood, staring at rambling parliamentarians blabbering like hell. of course i was enjoying everything. the hall was eerily silent and scholarly, with us observers sitting in front of the eruptive stage spotting parliamentary errors on the presenting team. the pair beside Charo and i were annoyingly loquacious. it would have been tolerable if they kept a low volume but no, they were naturally amplified! anyway, we observed first, and it was really fun scrutinizing Cebu Sci. i remember them as the incredibly noisy team upstairs at Recto Hall practicing at the wee hours of the night, i especially remember their super cute "nerdish" madam chair who once threw a sarcastic remark on our placated team. back to the orb.
the orb was the grandest sight i have ever seen. and i overflew with that desperate and gasping feeling of wanting. but there were things i wasn't supposed to have. and lately, i have blatantly violated the rules of my being. i swallowed pride, i ate dignity, i pricked the balance of my homeostatic imperfection just to reach the orb. but sometimes i feel so undeserving, because even if i try so hard, i just get slapped at with rejection. for many nights i have waited for the apparition of the orb, i saw through so much darkness, i slept through so much insecurities, all with that faintly flickering of hope that my want for the orb shall grow into depths that can sustain what i desire for. sometimes i think death is sweeter than a want. but it's just one of my pathetic human thoughts that fortunately i am somehow able to shrug off.
the description is vague, because there is always the beauty in absence. but i am also a victim of elusive absence. though we want, in the end fate leads the road we toil and shit on. how come we want people who never want us back, but the reality that our feelings are not reciprocated would rarely be accepted by our system---because we are too corrupted by their amorous spell. perhaps now you are getting what i mean. now i know why. many "why's" of mine are now answered. but still, we wait.
iv. our silent countdown
it's the first time we're spending the new year in Manila. the last 15 new years i have been at were celebrated in our quaint sleepy home in Tabaco. i miss our house, even if i am dying to leave Albay, the feeling of abandoning your home always makes you despise your evolving wants. i somehow want to go back, but i know for a fact that leaving is the only way for me to fulfill myself. hehe, what's wrong with me? i still have three more months to do things the Tabaco way.
my siblings had gone off to hypermart to but our noche buena menu and of course, here i am, all lazy and dormant, typing my thoughts. the window view shoots a dark urban landscape, and pyroclastics are splurting every now and then. January 8 kicks off the last three months of my high school life. and as what i have said the thought of finishing four years with 39 people is relieving. one is because i am about to leave really bad memories, some evil people, and that i will no longer be able to see them 5 days in a week. another reason is that i'm off to a more competitive and broader arena, where hopefully, i can cultivate a more productive social life.
i am lacking in sensible thoughts to write regarding the coming year. i am again in my cynic-pessimist compound state, stirring up the worst-case scenarios i might slip myself into for the next year. and now all i could do is to call a divine unseen power to guide me through, because inside i know, i am in a universal position so frail, so weak, so inferior, ergo i need an entity to complete my lackings. and somehow i believe[ i really do], this entity exists. wow..religiously cheesy..
when the new year starts, for a split second, my subconscious might replay a condensed mini-movie of 2006. and right now i imagine a chaotic mixture of psychotic emotions, neurons raging, hormones bubbling, and all the emotions i had gone through that made me think like this and made me BE like this sleepy lazy-head neurotic thinking in front of the monitor. i really love 2006, and not that i don't want to say goodbye yet[i have no choice]. it just amazes me how bad i feel about a certain day. then later on, as i continue my imperfect living and ponder on that flawed 24 hours, i can't help but be really thankful and satisfied. which makes me even more realize how stupid i can be sometimes. i am beginning to appreciate all the sleepless nights, all the caffeine, all the extra joss. i think the only thing i have failed for the year are my intermittent erroneous judgments. but all those mistakes keep me sane and human. nice life.
-=oOo=-
i wish everyone a good new year[sincere ba ito?]..well, i am not really a hyper-nice and thoughtful person, but for the sake of ending this post let me say that really 'heartfelt' statement. waah..what a polystyrene-thick statement. no, really, with all the nice emotion i could ever pull from me, i wish that everyone can learn something really helpful from the year 2007. let us live!
photo courtesy of my megalomaniac brother, AJ.*
Labels: Friends, IV-Einstein, Philosophy
Waiting for March:
i am drowning in time
i. prelude to hysteria
i remember the day before Reming came. i was still in pre-ruins Legazpi City, reading the 2002 Kid's Almanac obsessively as five or more nerds were also memorizing some formulae or facts and whatever[s] beside me. it was the Regional Finals of the Super Quiz Bee, and a day before that, i remember killing myself slowly as i tried to memorize eight chapters on the Bilogical Central Dogma as hissing teachers talked loudly inside the highly congested "Teacher's Lounge"[and they call TNHS a public school]. Ms. Bitare was getting impatient as usual because i was having some "short-attention-span-sleepy-braindead-syndrome" attack.
two days before that rigorous review i just arrived in Tabaco from a national competition in Baguio City. so obviously i was still carrying some loads in my head. that was a Saturday. immediately after i arrived i had to grab some Physics book because the Regional Sci-Math Fair would be on the Monday after. it was one of the most palpitating Sundays of my life. i had to squeeze in tons of formulas inside my battered brain, memorize concepts, absorb Paul Hewitt's 800-something pages(condensed though, i'm still human) and, breathe.
the science quiz is actually one of my most favorite contests. i had been joining these things ever since grade 3 and i always targetted getting in the top3(no nationals in elem though, 6th in national in 2nd year). but sadly fatigue got the better of me and i was too tired to exert enough effort to land in the top 3. mr. borromeo said it was okay since he knew i was still tired from everything, so hell, it was so "O-K". at least i got an award, a compensation for my weakness as a typical human being-a 3rd place in Essay Writing in Mathematics. but looking at everything, i didn't have regrets. i knew i did whatever my best was. it just so happens that they're not good enough. i can't have everything.
ii. the Secrets of Baguio
they said everyone was in euphoria upon hearing the news that we won 1st place in parliamentary procedures, national level, in Baguio City. i remember, when Paulo said that, i was sitting next to him as the Victory Liner bus swept past dusty Tarlac roads. i was still sleepy then since we had to wake up early to catch the earliest bus in the morning. the night before that was quite jubilant[since we won], but there were not so good memories either.
i opted to keep quiet about what happened in Baguio because everyone had different perspectives on what was TRUE. but for the sake of giving my side, i must say something.
some teams insisted that we did not deserve the 1st place. duh, like i care whatever they say. if it was given to us, then fate has dictated that we so deserve it. and in the first place there was no absence of fairness and justice in the judging, we didn't pay anyone and there were no deliberate manipulations in the results. of course, those who feel so bitter would think that they deserve the 1st place, logically, every team would think of that. it sustains their confidence, but to tarnish the reputation of others and strip them of what is due to them is shameless, pathetic.
we won because we let ourselves be. we allowed imperfection, but we worked our asses off to make good things out of it. meaning, "diskarte" lang. if we can't keep it clean, we can keep it dirty, but still, with excellence.
so , we won 1st place. we earned it. so deal with it[ galit ba ako?]
iii. waiting for UPCAT, etc.
UPCAT results will be released in late February. and the mere thought already makes my pericardium bloat in excessive, disorderly pumping. i don't know what will happen actually. right now i'm not expecting anything, because i might get frustrated again. my hopes are dim because i am aiming for a degree with one of the highest quota, intarmed. and i couldn't even think of a decent alternative to that course that i actually want, well, MBB, but unfortunately i had a different mindset when i filled out my application form, so i took Psycho[partly because i want to understand my messed up subconscious]. so my hopes are low but my back up plans are getting more stringent. you see, i must comfort myself extensively if i fail intarmed.at least if i do fail, i have a greener* campus if i pass Diliman.
*literally and figuratively.
the truth is i am freaking out. i am setting my sight only to UP. so if i fail i am sure i'll end up somewhere i may never, ever like.
meanwhile, ACET results are out in January. another frustration of mine is my ADMU course, bs chem/materials science eng'g. if i knew better i would have taken management engineering, like JK. anyway i don't think about these things much, ADMU will always be my second choice for my tertiary education. we're not filthy rich and i don't want to go to school with classmates bragging about how much they can squeeze into their pockets. i remember taking the ACET in Oct with daryl. we were in the same room and i could still recall the essay part. i was in my O.C mode.kawawang essay yun. highly congested.hehe.and another was the limited time for each area of study. they say it was sweat-inducing. but i really thought it was quite fun. parang karera.
DLSUCET was the easier test[compared to ACET]. back then i had so little respect to the university[because of my maroon brother], but now i am having some considerations since i took a good course upon application. bs econ and bs accountancy, double degree. which is the best path towards my other dream of being a corporate lawyer [the other one is being a neurosurgeon]. but i don't like the environment in DLSU, i think it's not how i like my academic environment to be. it's not so full of neurons[according to a friend]. especially now that i see college as the opportunity to get my brains working 24/7.walang pahingahan na ito.
by the way, for the sake of surviving[in case], i applied for a scholarship in ADMU and DLSU. because we're so poor.wahaha. the statement shifts me back again in time. i remember, i submitted my application for scholarship with my DLSUCET form the day after Milenyo. my folder actually landed straight on the muddy waters inside the classroom so i had to wipe it dry all morning. it was also the same day i got reprimanded because of the continuing[yep, up to now] postponement of the Science Camp. i am getting really worried how we will ever execute the camp again since the last three months of the school year will most likely focus on acads because Reming robbed us of time.*nostalgia*i bought some toys at Novo*
BUCET results will be released last [i think]. there is no way i'll choose to study in icol University. not that i look down on the school[hey, it's a great school], it's just that, i have been living in Albay for 16 years, i want to grow up. the school[TNHS] is getting anxious with the outcome of BUCET. 2 years ago Carmela topped the exams, and now she's in i-med. 2 years before her, the top 2 places where snared by TNHS alumnae[ate genille and ate louren]. the only entrance tests i have topped were the school DOST test and the creative writing entrance test for PHSA. really dim.my hopes are dim. i'm quite stupid when it comes to these things.quite.
i heard that classes will resume on January 8. only three buildings will be utilized for tnhs' 6000 students[again, with the MWF, TTh schedule]. what a catastrophic school year. we had a volcanic eruption and two typhoons, plus a hoax tsunami. exciting though. but Reming changed everything. i don't think everything will be the same. pity.
i am looking forward to ending the school year. four years of education was intellectually rewarding for me, but nothing much beyond that, except growth and 4 social connections. not that i'm complaining.
i [really]love imperfection.
Labels: ACET, BUCET, DLSUCET, Parliamentary Procedures, Reming, UPCAT
My Quezon Skyline:
i love jeeps[period]
i.i am still sane!
on the 5th day of the brownout*, i was singing josh groban songs in the middle of the night. my mother thought i was losing my sanity, so she actually entertained the thought of having me see a psychiatrist.
switch topic.
Reming ravaged Albay so we had to do a mini-exodus to escape from whatever is left of our province. the experience was rather complex and forgettable, too depressing that i actually chose not to remember anything, if not evreything. for one it was terrifying. terrifying because it made us fear for our lives. terrifying because it made us pause in the middle of the struggle for existential survival and wonder "what will happen to us?"
that was exactly my question when the day after the storm, i had to go to the city proper to buy food. i wondered what would ever happen to us when i looked at all the electricity wires dangling on the skeletal trees, some sprawled along the street, electric posts lying on the asphalt like dead logs, houses without roofs, empty city streets, men and women walking by the road like soul-sucked zombies. it made me think about the other day, when everyone thought that we knew our city, we knew what it once was and we knew what it will be in the future. but the storm changed everything.
our city leader is sitting inside his office like a retarded toad. people are dying and he seems too clueless to even blink about anything.
-=oOo=-
when i went to the centro to buy chunkee corned beef, i saw this padyak driver beside me. he had bruises everywhere, teary-eyed and he was fondling a pouch for coins. he was buying three eggs, and upon realization that his money wasn't enough, he opted to buy just one. and to think he had three children and a wife waiting at his small padyak carriage nearby.
the drama did not end with the egg anecdote. i was quite busy looking for commodities inside this decent store in Quinale [our mini-supermarket]. there were noodles, sacks of rice and all the things you could see in relief goods. i was never good at shopping for things so i opted to buy two packs of stick-O[famished]. i couldn't help overhearing the store-owner's conversations with a customer she seemed to know. she said that the night of the typhoon, their house was washed away literally by a large mass of water from a nearby river. through the raging winds they ran to a relative at the other street and asked for help. surprisingly their reltaive had his house also blown away, so they took a motorized tricycle and headed for a motel 2 kilometers away. she said they nearly died when they tried to cross a bridge that collapsed rigght after they reached the other end. the lady, near tears, said that that incident changed her life forever.
"bumagyo di ba?hindi ka tataas ng presyo?" her friend asked.
"hindi na. malaking tubo na na buhay pa ako ngayon."
how come i didn't have a special stick-o discount.
-=oOo=-
it's a pity i wasn't able to contact lorenz after Reming. being my most trusted school photographer, i needed his shutterbug bravura to take pictures of the "TNHS" ruins. earlier on the day after Reming, i met Mr.E.Borromeo waiting for a tricycle near the ravaged LCC Mall. he said classes would be suspended indefinitively. i just kept silent in jubilation. he showed me pictures of the destruction in the school's digital camera[surprisingly, we do have our own digicam].well, i can't make a justifiable reaction since the LCD screen was too small to give me much needed details[hehe] but with the looks of it, tabaco national high school is gasping[for renovations and donations]. too bad, this means that all the beautifcation efforts of the present principal are just useless. one typhoon came. 6000 goals wasted.
*nostalgia* i saw jeremiah heading towards kevin's house. so i invited him to go "wreck seeing" in TNHS. i am too depressed to even try thinking of describing what i saw. it wasn't the same school i have been attending for the last 3 years of my life. perhaps there is a reason for all this wreckage. but right now, i still don't know what it is.
-=oOo=-
i doubt whether i can still continue feeding this blog with posts. perhaps in college. that would be three months from now.
ii. somnambolism with ativan
drowsiness is indeed a disease of thinking. i can't type anymore. i'm too depressed to think of anything.
Labels: Insanity, Lorenz's Pics, Typhoon Reming
